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Well first I should start off with introducing myself.  My name is Loren and I am almost 9 years old....in the light.  I was diagnosed back in Jan or so of 2001.  I'm really approaching 40 in actual years.  But I sometimes count only the "light" years, those that have come since I was diagnosed. 

It was a little scary to have that label put on me, you know... "Mental Illness", but at the same time is was such a huge relief to finally understand or start to what was going on with me, and most importantly, what was wrong.  I didn't have a magic wand that I waved, that caused a doctor to give me a diagnosis at all.  I wish it had truely been that easy to do. But of course, as most of life is, it wasn't that easy.  It took me hitting rock bottom, the very depth of my own personal hell and a suicide attempt to get the help I so desperately needed.  It took a mixture of my best friend and my employer calling paramedics and my parents to advise there was a situation.

So began my journey with their arrival.  Firemen and paramedics arrived at my apt, luckily I had not fallen into the farthest depths of hell. I had only succeeded in making myself seriously sick.  Thank God.  I had prayed the entire night about my situation, I could even hear my mother that had passed a good many years before that calling my name.  And of course the two wonderful cats I own, Sage and Nutmeg, to help me through the night and to call for help. 

So my apartment filled up with emergency personnel.  They wandered around to make sure everything was secure, put me on a bed and took me out.  They were kind enough to lock my door for me. They were very kind and sensitive men, and I appreciated their kindness more than they will ever know.  They took me to the emergency room. 

The emergency room was a hectic place like you can imagine.  I was taken into a big room and given fluids to replenish my body after being sick all night.  And my parents came and they were very angry, I think more because they were scared than anything.  But I can now imagine what they went through.  A phone call like that, your daughter may or may not be alive, but she's in the emergency room.  I feel so terrible for what they both went through on that morning.  But I can say, my Dad and I are now closer than we've ever been before.

I was removed from the emergency room and taken to the City Mental Health Hospital and held over night.  I stayed the night there but in an office room with a bed instead of being fully admitted.  My parents stayed the night with me then, my step-mom staying with me over night in the room so I wouldn't be alone.  I was both terrified of being yelled at and thankful for her presence with me at the same time.  I know, weird thoughts to have at the time, but I wasn't thinking too much of myself at the time, but that I had scared my parents, gotten them out of work and worried them, and what would happen to me now?

Luckily for me, I served in the United States Navy and was Honorably Discharged with a medical disability.  This entitled me to be transferred to the VA Hospital.  So the next morning I was again transferred by ambulance to the VA.  I was admitted into the Mental Health Ward and stayed for almost 3 full weeks.  There was a lot of time I spend holed up in my room, given medications and the daily visit by my psychiatrist.  It was uneventful.  Then they found a medicine combination that would work for me and I started spending time in the tv room with the other patients on my floor.  And had visits by my Dad and my best friend.  And worked on myself in therapy and crafts.

At the end of the stay, I was released in custody of my father, and went home with him.  This was a very stressful time. Any time I had problems coping all the doctors did was increase my medications. It got to the point that I was just a "zombie" of a person. I was so groggy and tired 24 hours a day and the nightmares were horrible.  This added lots of extra stress onto my parents.  And caused major family problems.  One day the doctor finally agreed to see me, my parents and my sister.  So off we went back to the VA Hospital.

It was not a pleasant experience.  My natural mother had a mental illness along with alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs. She was dealing with her own demons, but at this time I remember her strongest advice.  "Don't ever tell anyone that you have problems because they will lock you up and throw away the key".  At this meeting, this would come back to my mind as the strongest thought that day.  My parents and sister met with the doctor alone, and I sat outside in a small waiting room.  I do admit to the paranoia that was going on at that time, why are they meeting with out me? Why can't I listen to something that concerns me the most of all?  The doctor came out to say that they were almost done and then I was going to be put into a mental health home for mentally ill people.  My mom's advise roared through my head! I was scared, terrified and angry that I hadn't listened to my mom on this one point.  And it proved true.  I was taken back to the meeting and blew up. I was so hurt and fighting like a caged animal.  I was hysterical in my mind and did not know where to go or even if I could trust anyone. 

My step-mom came to me, it was actually to pick up her purse from a chair but in my mind the panic had taken over and I was shown images of her attacking me, I told her if she touched me I'd kill her.  She didn't hear that, she heard the kill part loud and clear and took it as a threat instead of me panicking.  So it caused a huge rift in my family and unfortunately to this day my step-mom and I do not speak.  I have tried many times over the years to resolve this situation but, it will never be resolved or she isn't ready.  I'm not sure which one.

I was in contact with an old Navy friend and talked to him about the situation.  He told me I could leave Florida and come to Washington State to stay with him.  I said I'd like that but had no money and was even told I'd never be able to work again for the rest of my life.  My friend said to come anyway and sent me the plane ticket.  So my Dad and I drove to the airport and picked up my cats, Sage and Nutmeg on the way.  I boarded a plan and flew to Seattle.  I was staying with a friend and hoped for a much better chance here. 

I was able to get enrolled into the Seattle Veteran's Hospital right away and got a fabulous psychiatrist (pdoc) and a wonderful therapist (tdoc).  I started therapy right away, and my PDoc took me off all the meds first chance.  What we did was try a few different meds and some to help with my nightmares.  Now it wasn't as perfect and easy as that sounds.  It took many tries and lots of blood tests to find the right drugs to work for me.  But the nightmare meds were perfect!

So many types of medications we found some that would work, and I was on them for about 3 years and I started working part-time!  Then with lots of more therapy I began to work full time also.  That was a huge milestone for me.  That I learned a lot about my illness and then was able to work and support myself.  I can't even describe the feeling that I had from that alone.  And I moved in and got my own apartment.  So Sage, Nutmeg and I moved into a new place for the first time almost ever completely on my own. 

We had to change the medications around for a few times as my body adjusted and got used to what I was taken so that it didn't work any more.  I lost my wonderful therapist to retirement and then my pdoc to another job that she was wanting.  So now there are a new pdoc and tdoc that I have, and I'm getting used to them.  It will take time to get back to where I was at before with these new people, but then it is the same with any new relationship.

I've found an online support group,  found self-help therapy books and read other's stories about this illness.  And tons of therapy.  And lots of contact with my Dad and my friends, those that stayed once they found out that I had a mental illness, helped me through everything also. I couldn't do it with out them.

Now off to the Present to read more, or you can go to Links and get some great information on BiPolar Disorder.